Part II: "What Do I Do When I Travel to the Beara Peninsula, Tom?"

Sunset in Eyeries overlooking
Coulagh Bay and the Kerry Mountains

In this second installment of What To Do When Traveling the Beara Peninsula, we leave Allihies for points east and north. Click here if you missed Part I, and travels from Bantry through Castletownbere, and to one of Ireland's most westerly locations.

Having avoided over-imbibing with more than a few pints in Allihies I now recommend you pile yourself and the family back in your rental car and head out. Work your way along the stunning coastal road (being careful of the many hairpin turns on the narrow tarmacadam), and climb the hill leading over the Caha Mountains.

Do take time to stop in the many lay-by's, climb out, and take a long look back. You'll look straight west and with luck and good weather can get another astounding view of the Skellig Islands. Then back in the car you go, take off making sure you avoid the many sheep grazing along the verge of the road, and continue your voyage.

Next stop: the wee little village of Urhan. If you're not the designated driver why not have a sandwich and pint or a cuppa at the Urhan Inn? And while you're at it, just up the road take a right and point the car toward Travara (it's signed). You'll find a great pier there, and if you bring along a rod or even a bit of twine, the kids can spend an hour or so fishing for crabs in Coulaugh Bay. 

Next, continue heading east along the northern coast of Beara. If you're an artist or writer, perhaps you'd like to spend a day - or week - with Sue at Anam Cara Writer's And Artist's Retreat. Sue, another transplant from the States, is a marvel. She refurbished a stunning bungalow into a haven for the creative sort who come from all over the world to work on a variety of projects. While at Sue's place, walk down to the Cascades, an impressive waterfall and rock scramble that's a joy to behold. If you're in luck you can join local kids diving from the top of the rocky keep into the lagoon nestled at its base, but I'm chicken so will just watch, if that's all right with you.

Keep driving and when you finally run out of runway turn left onto the main Kenmare / Castletownbere Road, and look for a large bright sign pointing to:

Eyeries. My home village, I hope you'll understand if I'm rather opinioinated. This small village is picture-postcard-perfect. So much so that its colourful Main Street features in many marketing communications created by Ireland's Tourist Board, Bord Failte.  

With only 60 or so souls living within its confines, Eyeries is built on a bluff overlooking Coulagh Bay and the Wild Atlantic Ocean beyond. If you're very fortunate, you'll visit in the 3rd week of July. That's when we hold our annual Eyeries Family Summer Festival, a time of general merrymaking a mayhem. Over 3,000 people visit the village and the Festival Committee has organised events for all ages - everything from fishing along the shore to dog grooming contests. On Sunday the place goes crazy as stalls filled with fine crafts and fine food line the street, and live music blares from our two public houses.

Want a pint? Take a stroll into Causkey's Bar or nearby Mary O'Shea's. If you want something more I can only recommend The Bistro. She and me have enjoyed any number of fine meals there. Try the Fish and Chips - it's a specialty. I don't know what they do, but the golden brown batter always crackles wonderfully to expose the soft white haddock or cod lying like a fishy secret within. And their Fish Chowder is absolutely to die for. 

Tuckered from your stroll in Eyeries, you have some choices to make. 

A. Take a Walk Along the Beara Way: the Beara Way is an extensive loop trail running 206km through county's Cork and Kerry. In this case, I'm only talking about a 45 minute stroll. You start on the Village Main Street and head toward the sea. The well-marked trail takes you along the rocky shore where you might be lucky to see seals or dolphins. It's an easy stroll and the kids will enjoy it too. Perhaps bring a packed lunch and make an hour or two of it. The walk loops back to the Village and your waiting car. Oh - and while you're at it, spend a bit of time in the Eyeries Sensory Garden. Nestled deep beside a surging stream, this is just the location for a light snack and some peace and quiet 'midst stunning vegetation. 

B. Journey Along the Coast to Ardgroom: or rather than a walk climb in the car and continue west along the Main Street. This leads you to the small harbour of Ballycrovane and past the tallest Ogham stone in Western Europe. Take in the Hag of Beara, the legendary fossilised remains of an ancient saint, and continue on to Kilcatherine Church and Cemetery, ancient monastic ruins dating back to the 7th Century. Next, drive all the way out to Kilcatherine Point and perhaps fish for mackerel and pollack off the rocks.

Continue your drive around the point, and finish in Ardgroom.

C. Journey Directly to Ardgroom: or if you'd rather the more direct route, leave Eyeries and venture on the High Road directly to the small village of Ardgroom. Perhaps visit the nearby megalithic monuments or drive up to Glenbeg Lake and try your hand at fly fishing for trout.

The coast along here is ideal for fishing, swimming, and kayaking. If swimming, I strongly recommend a wet suite (my but the water does get cold even in Summer!) though the locals possibly feel I've no backbone to speak of. 

However you get to Ardgroom keep on going to:

Lauragh: you're now in County Kerry, and this wee spot is so small it's not even a village. But in this neck of the woods, the landscape becomes exactly that: dense forests. Keep your eyes open for the colourful display of non-indigenous Rhododendrun bushes. Though many call them a nuisance, in season they fill the forests with colour. Too, watch for deer in the area and slow down accordingly. Getting hit by one of Bambi's relatives is an accident to avoid. Near Lauragh stop in Derreen House and its breathtaking gardens, or travel a bit further on to Tousist and nearby Kilmacillogue Harbour. There, on the pier, have a bite to eat at its guest house Teddy O'Sullivan's Bar. We've eaten there a number of times. The bar is so old-fashioned it takes you back in time, while the welcome is just as old and as genuine.

Continue on up, up the steep gradient to the top of the hill. Watch out for the hair pin turn, then descend back toward the water and travel now along Kenmare Bay. If the kids are getting bored tell them an adventure is approaching because I recommend a stop at:

Star Outdoors Kenmare: this is great fun for all the family because they offer everything from cruises in Kenmare Bay to water activities including sailing and kayaking. If you're not up to the water try archery, biking, or crazy golf. And if you're hungry make sure you have a nibble and a drink in the adjoining bar and restaurant. Once again, we've eaten there a number of times. The food is priced right, of great standard, and comes with a smiling staff as a free extra.

Next stop is Kenmare Town itself which means you've finally finished your trip around Beara Peninsula. Honestly, there are so many things to do and see - so many adventures to experience - I've not written the half of it. Beara Peninsula remains in many ways undiscovered. It is a breathtaking gem along Ireland's southwest periphery. It is beautiful, haunting, isolated, sometimes lonely, and always honest. 

I recommend it. Come!

A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Kindle Edition Now Available!

If this blog interests you and you want to learn more about Ireland why not consider purchasing A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Edition. Are you thinking about living and working in Ireland? Would you like to move to Ireland? Do you want to know how to get an Irish work visa in this country? Do you need to know how Brexit and Trump policies may affect your plans? If so, consider purchasing the 2017 edition of A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland by Tom Richards. Now almost 90,000 words long, this book could make the perfect gift for  those interested in this wonderful country. Over 14,000 people have now learned how to live, laugh, and drink like the Irish by reading this Kindle ebook. I hope you enjoy, and my very best - Tom

"What Do I Do When I Travel to the Beara Peninsula, Tom?" Part I

Take the Ferry to Garinish Island for
a moment of sensory tranquility

I hear this question all the time from people who are either planning a trip to this location or who are already here. I'll be having a pint at the local, a great pub by the name of Causkey's Bar just up the road from where I live. A visitor to these regions will hear my rather gravelly Chicago accent, realize I live here, and start up a conversation which invariably goes something like this:

Visitor: "This is such a great place. The views are stunning!"

Me: "How long are you going to be here?"

Visitor: "Three days. Then we're off to Killarney."

Me: "And what do you plan to do while you're visiting Eyeries and the Beara Peninsula?"

Visitor (sheepishly): "Well that's just the thing. We aren't quite sure. In fact I was hoping you might point out a few things. Can you tell us what we should do?"

Now it could be that if you're reading this Post, you might well be planning a trip to Ireland. However, you could be among the vast majority who have never heard of Beara Peninsula. Beara, after all, is truly one of Ireland's hidden gems. Located in the southwest of the country, about a 2 hour drive from Cork City, and one of the most westerly points of Ireland, the region has remained something of a secret. Even Irish friends of mine living in Dublin have never heard of it.

But I'll tell you something: if you're planning a trip to Ireland without Beara as part of your itinerary, you're going to be missing something huge! Yes, you can go to Dingle and the Ring of Kerry and Bunratty Folk Park and all the other 'top-of-mind' places, joining thousands of mad tourists who must also visit these fine locations.

Or you could come to Beara and get a glimpse of magic.

But back to the question: "Tom, where should I go when visiting Beara Peninsula?" the fella may ask. I've repeated my list of favorite destinations over and over again. So in self-defense I thought I'd write down a list. That way if I'm ever asked again I'll just say: "Read the Blog, okay?" And that will be that.

Tom's Favorite Things to Do on Beara Peninsula

To answer the question I'm going to make some assumptions. Let's say you are planning to come to Beara Peninsula. You are part of a family of four: two adults with two children aged 12 and 15. You want to spend some time relaxing, of course, but also exploring and experiencing this out-of-the-way gem of an Irish location. 

I'm also going to make the assumption you've traveled to Ireland from the States and landed in Dublin. You've rented a car - so have your own wheels - and have made your way to the Southwest of Ireland.

Now what? you might ask. And here are the answers.

First Stop: 

Bantry, County Cork - Bantry is the gateway to Beara, and  the largest town on the Peninsula. They've a great Market in the Square every Friday offering anything from Veg to bric-a-brac, local artwork, and stalls with fine eating. Pick up a few trinkets for the friends at home. Then take a stroll along the Main street and its many shops, perhaps treat yourself to a fishy feed at the Fish Kitchen (one of my favorites - try their seafood chowder), then take an after-dinner walk along the Harbour. 

Bantry is located at the very eastern end of Bantry Bay (naturally) and all sorts of vessels are tied up including the large blue Tugboat used to push incoming supertankers visiting Whiddy Island with loads of oil and petroleum products. To my knowledge Whiddy is the only such oil terminal in the Republic of Ireland.

But Bantry is only the entry-way to Beara. Now the fun truly begins.

Glengarriff - from Bantry drive west down the coast and get ready for stunning scenery. The Caha and Mishkish Mountains form a spine of craggy rocks all the way down the Peninsula and your roving eyes will be split between their stunning vistas and the view across Bantry Bay. Drive into Glengarriff and be prepared to spend a few hours - or a few days. 

Actress Maureen O'Hara called the village home for many years and it's no wonder. I've spent lovely days walking along its single main street, stopping at local woolen shops to see what's on offer, and idling along the craggy coastline. Your family will all enjoy the Bamboo Park filled with over 30 different species of Bamboo (which, I gather, is why they call it a Bamboo Park), or ramble through nearby Glengarriff Woods Nature Reserve and its mature Oaks, streams and rivers.

Make sure you save some time to visit Garinish Island. It costs a couple of quid to take the Blue Pool Ferry across but it's more than worth it. Before arriving keep your eyes open for seals basking on the rocks. Then walk through one of Ireland' unique locations. Garinish is filled with a wide variety of tropical plants, and as their website says, "it is an island of rare beauty known to horticulturists and lovers of trees and shrubs all over the world." 

The Gulf Stream, located just off Beara's coast, helps to create the micro-climate which makes such stunning vegetation possible.

Castletownbere - or Castletown Berehaven, as it's officially known. But that's too much for the locals who usually call it simply 'Town'.  

Leaving Glengarriff, continue due west along the stunning coast. If you've a mind for a nice meal along the way I heartily recommend the Berehaven Lodge Restaurant, and not because they've paid me for the plug. They haven't. Located 5 km before hitting Town, the She in my life and I have eaten there any number of times. A few weeks ago we treated ourselves to a simply wonderful Sunday dinner. I had a Sirloin Steak with all the Trimmings. She had baked Haddock. We did not have a starter, but She had 2 glasses of wine (as the designated driver I abstained). The bill for all was just over €30 - stupendous value for such good eating. We're told the restaurant offers an outdoor BBQ on Sunday evenings during the Summer. We'll try that next. 

Castletownbere is one of Ireland's most important white-fish fishing ports. It was also of strategic value to the British when they still called Ireland part of the Empire. During WWI, the Brits hid their entire Atlantic Fleet right near Town to keep them safe from prowling German U-boats. In fact I was told a fellow could hop from one ship to another, all the way to the other side of Bantry Bay, such was the crammed nature of the Fleet during those days.

Castletown is very much a working town, so don't expect a 'picturesque' spot of Ireland when visiting. Here, take a walk along the solid main street. Stop for a pint in McCarthy's Pub (made famous by writer Pete McCarthy's written pub-crawl, McCarthy's Bar). Have a word with owner Adrianne McCarthy and she just might tell you the story of her late father, Doctor McCarthy, who survived WWII courtesy of Japanese POW camps and lived to tell the tale. And an amazing tale it is, too, with 2 films already shot about his survival and a feature film now in the works.You can read his adventures for yourself in his memoir, A Doctor's War. 

Don't leave Town without a walk along the Pier. When the fishing fleet is in, the place is a hive of activity as crews off-load tonnes of catch - everything from deep water local Prawns to mackerel, John Dory, Sole, Monk, and many others. And if you're looking for a cup of tea with a meal of Fish n Chips (using afore-mentioned freshly caught fish) I highly recommend Lynch's on the Pier. Tell owner Darren you know Tom and you just might be thrown out for your efforts. 

Or how about a diversion well off the beaten track? If so, I recommend taking your rental car aboard the ferry and onward to Bere Island. Located only a few kilometers by sea from Town, Bere Island is rich in archaeology. While you're there, climb up to the Martello tower. These signal towers where built by the Brits up and down Ireland's east coast to give warning against various European invaders. Should an enemy ship be spotted, a signal would be lit in one of the Towers. Because they were in line-of-sight of each other, a fire in one tower would set off fires in all the other towers, wending their way all the way to Dublin to warn the authorities there of pending invasion. 

Having finished with Bere Island you'll want to consider where to next. The rest of the Peninsula stretches further west. I'm recommending you take a clock-wise tour of it. So leaving Town, head toward the sinking sun, up forested hills, and through rocky fields until finally you'll see signs for:

Dzogchen Beara - this Buddhist meditation centre welcomes everyone so don't think you have to practice Buddhism to enjoy it. Built atop a sheer cliff overlooking the Atlantic, you're crazy if you don't fall in love with the place. Nestled into its pristine location so near the sea, its peace and tranquility are just the thing if you're looking to re-charge your urban batteries.

Daily meditation is offered twice a day: 9 - 945AM and again from 3 - 4PM. Finished recharging your spirit and soul? Then take a walk within their gardens. Or treat yourself to a tea and cake, or perhaps make a purchase, in their tea shop. What a wonderful, wonderful experience! And if you're lucky, you'll meet people from all over the world who visit to find a bit of peace, just as I have.

Dursey Island - want to take a trip on Ireland's only cable car? Then Dursey Island is just the thing because other than by boat, the cable car is the only way to make it across. A few years ago you could make the trip jammed into the car with a cow or a few sheep for company, but Irish Health & Safety regulations have ended the practice.

Dursey Island is one of Ireland's most westerly, and most remote, bits of land. Folks still live there, fishing and farming to make a living. If you're a bird watcher, Dursey is just the place. Keep your eye out of Gannets, Shearwaters, Puffins, and more avian friends.

Allihies - now you're in for a real treat. Leaving Dursey, head for Allihies, one of Ireland's most westerly villages. But before you get there keep your eyes firmly glued on the Atlantic (not so glued you drive off a cliff, however). In good weather you'll see the Skellig Islands rising from the fierce Atlantic like legendary heroes.

The Skelligs have been made famous most recently by the role they played in the Star Wars films. But these islands have been famous time-out-of-mind. The group's largest island, Skellig Michael, was home to a group of monks. 1400 years ago they decided to make the place a home by building stone beehive huts. Despite the uncomfortable lodgings these holy men (I doubt they were joined by women - females obviously had more common sense) managed to survive for years.  

A UNESCO World Heritage Site, Skellig can be visited by boat during good weather. A number of operators travel there, so I suggest Googling to learn more details. I will say this: book early. The island's popularity has grown fantastically over recent years.

Having finally arrived in Allihies my advice is to simply take your time and enjoy. The village is home  to a copper mine, long ago worked out. Having lost their jobs, the Irish miners climbed aboard various ships and made their way to America. Most of them ended up in Butte, Montana and there tore enough copper out of the ground to keep the States supplied for many a day. Over the years I've met many Americans who have come to find the homes of their great-grandfathers and honor their hard work and desperate courage. And if you've the ken to, make sure you visit the Allihies Copper Mine Museum. They've a great snack bar, too.

Allihies has only one small main street but its pubs offer great food, drink and hospitality. Before leaving, maybe visit the village beach, one of the finest in the area. Swimming in the Atlantic is exhilarating and safe but it's damned cold even in summer - I always wear a wet suit but the kids will love it. 

So - having made it to Allihies, you've arrived at the western most tip of Beara. Next up: we continue the clockwise journey to Eyeries, Ardgroom, and points north.

A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Kindle Edition Now Available!

If this blog interests you and you want to learn more about Ireland why not consider purchasing A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Edition. Are you thinking about living and working in Ireland? Would you like to move to Ireland? Do you want to know how to get an Irish work visa in this country? Do you need to know how Brexit and Trump policies may affect your plans? If so, consider purchasing the 2017 edition of A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland by Tom Richards. Now almost 90,000 words long, this book could make the perfect gift for  those interested in this wonderful country. Over 14,000 people have now learned how to live, laugh, and drink like the Irish by reading this Kindle ebook. I hope you enjoy, and my very best - Tom

Why Rural Ireland is NOT DisneyWorld (and what you should learn about it when visiting)

A magic window. But no matter how
captivating you  may find the view,
please remember it's someone's home.

Yesterday I received the shock of my life when someone decided my quaint little Irish home was a tourist attraction. Here's what happened - and what I hope visitors to rural Ireland might learn.

I live in Eyeries, County Cork, something of an idyllic location perched in the very southwest corner of this country. Too, I'm blessed to live in a rather quaint, blue cottage-like home overlooking the sea. 

Like most homes it has...windows. You know: those things holding glass in a large frame that let in light and let you look out. Windows have another occasionally bemusing function of course. They also let other people look in.

Living in Eyeries as I do, we get a stream of tourists visiting the area mostly during the peak summer months. Because my home is on the only Main Street in the village, all sorts of people walk past. And many are attracted to the front window because - well, they're curious, is all.

You must understand, if you look into my front window from the Main Street you can see all the way through the house, all the way to the back room ... and right out the far window which happens to overlook Coulagh Bay and the Atlantic Ocean beyond. If the weather happens to be fabulous - a rare event in this part of the world - that little view is staggering.

Which means, of course, that the front window operates rather like a magnet. People walking past will glance at the window. They'll get a glimpse of what's beyond. They'll stroll up to the glass. And they'll stand there, gawping at the view.

Now if you happen to live in this house like I do, you get somewhat used to living in a fish bowl. I'll be sitting on my couch, for example. I'll look up - and there gawking into my front living room will be a half-dozen tourists. Honestly, it usually doesn't bother me. Usually. But there are occasions when it does.

The Mad Woman from Texas
Like two days ago, for instance. I was in the back room and chanced to walk into the living room. I looked up - and there was yet another tourist gawping into the house. Only this one was acting somewhat brazenly.

This one was holding a camera. She was pointing it into the interior of my home. I realised instantly that she intended to take a photo of the stunning view out back. Which was absolutely fine by me. I walked toward her with a grin on my face, intending to make her welcome and perhaps even offer to take her onto my back deck. The views there are unobstructed, naturally, and she would get a much better photograph.

Anyway, as I approached her, I noticed one of her fingers pointing at me. Then it began to wave madly as if some sort of insane turn indicator. For a minute I couldn't figure out what she was doing. Then I realised:

The woman wanted me to move. I was blocking her view. I was spoiling her picture and her fun. 

She wanted me to get out of the way. Even though it was my home. 

And I wanted to kill her.

I am not proud to say it but I lost the plot. I stormed out the front door. There, the woman was still standing at my front window, camera in hand, ignoring anything else except her intent  to get the best photograph in all of Ireland.

Me (steaming mad): May I ask what you are doing?
Texas Nut (ignoring me): I'm trying to take a photo. Now if you don't mind....
Me (gobsmacked): I beg your pardon? 
She (still not turning): Look,fella. Can you please be quiet for a minute? I'm almost through.
Me (starting to boil): Where are you from?
She (finally turning to me): What? What did you ask?
Me (hah! I got her attention!): Where are you from?
She (realising something just might be wrong): Why I'm from Texas honey.
Me: I'm from Chicago. Do you understand that this is my home? You wanted me to move because I was spoiling your pathetic little picture and... this is my home? You are possibly the rudest individual I have ever met in my life!
She (still not quite getting it): Rude? Why are you angry? Everyone from Ireland is so nice. Why aren't you nice?
Me (not believing the comment): We are nice when people treat us nice. Now get away from my house. Right now. Before I unleash my nasty dog (I do own a dog but he's frightened of even small things like buzzing flies and wouldn't harm a soul).

The Mad Texas Woman gave me a look that suggested I was insane. Perhaps believing I was an escapee from a mental ward she walked carefully around me, then broke into a run and ran away. 

Rural Ireland is Not DisneyWorld
The Mad Woman from Texas never grasped even remotely why I was angry. Instead, she believed (as a very tiny minority do) that all the quaint little structures - the houses and shops and wee little pubs - have been magically fabricated just for their entertainment.

These slobs think they have the right to do just about anything. They touch and grasp and stand on stuff and ignore signage printed in bold lettering: PRIVATE PROPERTY. KEEP OUT. 

These are the rude ones. They have no respect for almost anything and from a local standpoint, quickly out stay their welcome.

And I don't want you to think Mad Americans are the only ones who can behave like this. I've run into Germans, French, Dutch, Italians ... rude people can be from anywhere.

For instance, last  year I caught a German couple who decided to have a picnic in my back garden. I'd been away at a meeting and came home to find Hans and Gretta perched on my sun loungers eating sandwiches. When I suggested they were trespassing they became offended. "Gretta, we won't come back," said Hans. And they marched out the door.

Last week it was a bus load of French. Again I'd been at a meeting. Again I came home - to find 20 people snooping around my back garden. "Ah, don't you realise this is private property?" I ask. "I mean, the entire yard is fenced in. Isn't it obvious that it is a home?" 

The 20 shook  their heads in unison. making them look like a troupe of Parisian Puppets on parade. "Private property? It cannot possible be private property."

I knew they were lying. Of course they realised it was someone's home, not that it made a difference to them. They decided to trespass so they could get a better view. That's all.

Or on another occasion: it was about 8:30 in the morning. I'd just taken my shower and was standing in a towel in the kitchen getting a cup of coffee.

The front door, which I forgot to lock, suddenly opened. A woman who never had the chance to put a name on her nationality walked fully into the room.

She: "Oh I say! That's a wonderful cup of coffee I smell."
Me (absolutely flummoxed): "Ah, yes."
She: "Could I buy one, do  you think?"
Me (unbelieving): "Ah, no."
She (the light suddenly dawning): "This isn't a cafe, is it?"

Then she noticed only a towel separating the rest of my body from total nudity and left.

I've kept the door locked ever since.

Please Be Respectful
If and when you visit rural Ireland I honestly think you'll love it. The people are warm and inviting and will make you feel at home. You'll experience some absolutely stunning views and you'll make some wonderful memories.

All I ask is this: what you're seeing and visiting - those quaint little buildings that could be a part of a DisneyWorld Main Street location - were not built by Walt & Co.

They are homes and businesses. People - including parents and kids, dogs and cats, cows and sheep - live there.

Please respect that, okay? And if you decide to take a picture through someone's front window, don't wag your finger at him to get out of the way so you can get an unobstructed shot.

If you do that, you may find you have annoyed an immigrant Yank.

A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Kindle Edition Now Available!

If this blog interests you and you want to learn more about Ireland why not consider purchasing A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Edition. Are you thinking about living and working in Ireland? Would you like to move to Ireland? Do you want to know how to get an Irish work visa in this country? Do you need to know how Brexit and Trump policies may affect your plans? If so, consider purchasing the 2017 edition of A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland by Tom Richards. Now almost 90,000 words long, this book could make the perfect gift for  those interested in this wonderful country. Over 14,000 people have now learned how to live, laugh, and drink like the Irish by reading this Kindle ebook. I hope you enjoy, and my very best - Tom

Learning to Talk Like the Irish

A good number of years ago when my dear mother, God bless her, still strode this good earth she came to visit. It was her first time on these shores and to give her a bit of fun I brought her to the local Mall. 

Back then a Mall in Navan County Meath wasn't exactly like Woodfield Mall in suburban Chicago in which she spent a good deal of time when I was a boy. We did not have a Macy's or a Sears or a lineup of expensive boutiques. I warned her but it was sort of lost in translation and she insisted on going.  "I need a small pouch in which to pack my various valuables and potions," she smiled. "I'm sure they'll have exactly what I need." 

So we climbed into my small jalopy (a falling-apart 1978 brown Ford Escort that would never start) and bounced our way through the rain to the Mall.

I followed her into the local Dunnes Stores, an emporium of rather cheap and tatty goods but all we had back in those days and found a young clerk, and as I stood at my mother's side she asked,

"Excuse me. I wonder if you could show me a fanny pack?" And I wanted to die. I glanced at the girl, a real stunner, who glanced back with a confused face bright as a polished red apple. She took off to parts unknown, possibly to call the manager, who would in turn call the Garda, and have my mother thrown out.

"What's wrong with her?" my mother sniffed. "Doesn't she know what a fanny pack is?"

"No," was my answer and led her as quickly from Dunnes as I could. I never did explain to my mother what caused the confused kerfuffle. As her son, and as you will soon understand, I simply could not utter the reason for my embarrassment. 

For you see a Fanny in Ireland is not a pack nor is it a fashionable method for hauling unguents, passports, money and change, or any other item. 

In Ireland a Fanny is the descriptor used to define the female genitalia. 

So be warned: should you come to Ireland come prepared for a new way of speaking and woe to the person who misunderstands.

A Short Guide to Irish Slang

The Irish may talk in English (as well as As Gaeilge) but that does not necessarily mean they speak the same language as you do. Here are a few worrisome examples of what to expect.

• Rubber - is not a prophylactic. Should you decide to go frolic in wild Irish undergrowth with a new mate and desire to protect yourself from the unexpected get yourself to a Chemist and ask for a condom. A Rubber is an eraser, as in the gob of pink at the end of a pencil. 
• Flute - okay I'll stick with the sexual but just for moment. if a fella approaches you and says he wants to show you his flute, do NOT go there.Ditto with Langer. Though Langerous means something else entirely.
• Yoke - should someone ask to "hand me that Yoke" do not think you have suddenly relocated to a farmyard. No, you are not being asked to bridle the cattle. Yoke is the equivalent to that wonderful term "thing-a-ma-bob" and a great word it is too.
• Jacks - should you want to use the toilet asking for the bathroom can be somewhat misunderstood because a bathroom holds just that - the bath. "Bathroom" is a word rarely used outside the home. If in a restaurant or other public place you suddenly hear the call of nature, ask pleasantly using any number of words: The loo, The lady's, The  men's, the Gents, The Pisser (if you've had a few) - and yes, The Jacks - though the term is mostly used by males.
• Banjaxed - should someone make the observation that "You are Banjaxed entirely" you might consider hitting him or her in the nose. "Banjaxed" means broken. 
• Scoops - yes the word is used when asking for ice cream as in "Can I have a scoop of vanilla please?" However, should you be asked by a stranger: "Let's run up to the pub and I'll buy ya a Couple of Scoops", immediately accept the invitation. It means the fella has just offered to pay for a few rounds of Guinness. 
• Deadly - should someone say, "See that fella over there? Isn't he deadly!" do not panic.The term does not mean the 'deadly fella' is about to blow up the world. Deadly is in fact a term of affection and praise. 
• Feck -  is an oft-used iteration of the usual 4 letter word. You must understand: the Irish swear and they swear quite a lot. They pepper most sentences with some sort of sometimes mis-understood pejorative. However, "feck" is not necessarily a negative comment. "Feck it, let's have another feckin' pint anyway" is just such an example.
•  Wanker - in the US the term 'Wank' if used among good friends can make eyebrows soar. In Ireland 'Wanker' has a quite separate meaning. Truly a pejorative, if someone calls you a Wanker they think you an eejit, fool, or much worse.

Why Should You Care?

Many is the time I've met tourists who don't seem to have an ear for foreign tongues and don't want to. These poor folks are not only missing all the fun, they could well be on the road to making grave errors simply because they've misunderstood their Irish brethren.

As an example: when I first moved here I found work selling electronic Cattle Weighing machines (don't laugh - it was the only job I could find). One early morning at the office the receptionist, a gorgeous young thing named Cheryl, sashayed over to my desk, batted her deep brown eyes at me and asked,

"Tom can you hand me your Rubber?"

As you can imagine I was stupefied. As a happily married father of one at that point, I wondered how I could possibly let her down without embarrassing the two of us.

Me (gulping): "Cheryl I'm sorry but I didn't bring one this morning. In fact we don't use them."

Cheryl (confused): "We don't use them? But of course we use them. We've always used them."

Me (very very confused): "WE'VE used them? I don't think so. In fact I'm sure of it. (speaking very confidentially)  Cheryl, I know nothing has ever happened between us. If my  wife comes in I hope you won't ever say anything like this."

Cheryl (now annoyed): "What the feck are you talking about. All I want is the bloody Rubber."

And she reached past me, across my desk, and grabbed - of course - the erasure.

So be warned. Language here does make a difference. Take time to learn it and enjoy it and revel in it. If you do you'll have learned one way to survive in Ireland just as I have.

(P.S. I've a complete guide to Irish Slang in the book below. So if you're traveling to Ireland any time soon you might want to buy the feckin' thing.)

A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Kindle Edition Now Available!

If this blog interests you and you want to learn more about Ireland why not consider purchasing A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Edition. Are you thinking about living and working in Ireland? Would you like to move to Ireland? Do you want to know how to get an Irish work visa in this country? Do you need to know how Brexit and Trump policies may affect your plans? If so, consider purchasing the 2017 edition of A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland by Tom Richards. Now almost 90,000 words long, this book could make the perfect gift for  those interested in this wonderful country. Over 14,000 people have now learned how to live, laugh, and drink like the Irish by reading this Kindle ebook. I hope you enjoy, and my very best - Tom

Important Tips on Driving Ireland's Wild Western Rural Roads (or...how to go from A to B without driving off a cliff)

Truly, Rural Ireland offers quite narrow
roads. Please believe me.
Photo copyright John Eagle.

Recently I had reason to run up to Shannon Airport to pick up a friend. When such opportunities arise I very much enjoy watching newly arrived visitors to these shores walk off various in-bound flights. Oh, the excitement as they steel themselves for a week or more of traipsing around the Irish countryside! And usually I can’t help but have a chat with my fellow countrymen and women as they ready themselves for just such an adventure.

My only concern is that along with jetlag and general distraction they’ll forget they’re now on Ireland’s wild West coast and instead think they may be in Peoria or some such place. So it was with an American couple I encountered at the Avis Rental counter.

Me: “So, where are you off to?”
Him: “We’re gonna take the car and jaunt down to Bantry. That’s in West Cork, right?”
Me: (nodding enthusiastically) “You’re going to love it! But do make sure you take your time. It’s a bit of a long drive from here.”
Her: “That can’t be right. It’s only that far on the map.” (Turning to Hubby): “What do you think Harry? Maybe three hours?”
Harry: “Ah, we’ll do it better than that. I’ll have you there for dinner!”
Me (with growing alarm): “Honestly, it’s going to take you much more time than you think. You’re driving a bit into no man’s land, you see. And you’ll be on narrow roads and driving on the left to boot. And the signage here can be a bit sparse. And you can’t always believe the Sat Nav....”
Harry: “Fella, stop right there. We’ve driven all over America and I’m sure I’ll manage. Isn’t that right, Sweetie?”

She smiled dismissively at my left shoulder then the two turned, grabbed keys from the amused agent, and sauntered off to find their car. I was certain they were doomed and uttered a quick prayer of safekeeping, hoping Harry and Sweetie wouldn’t get killed.

For you see, driving in Rural Ireland is a bit, well, different than driving almost anywhere else I’ve been. And while Ireland has drastically improved its road infrastructure since I first came here in 1982 (today we’ve vast Motorways connecting most corners of the country. Back then, when I was a young pup, we were forced to jiggle and jaggle across a patchwork of sometimes ill-kept roadways to get almost anywhere), driving in the West requires a bit of planning.  So may I offer some quick advice?

The Left, the Left, the Left!

It’s obvious when you arrive here and rent your first car that one of the first challenges is the car itself. The driver’s position is, of course, on the right hand side of the vehicle. So climb in and get settled. But before you start up and drive yourself into oblivion, you may also want to take a careful look around.

The rear-view mirror is on your left. The side mirror is on your right. These details may seem trivial, but if you’ve been driving for years and years back home in the States, then your entire being is used to those positions. In the event of a minor road skirmish, or should you become confused, lost, distracted or worse, you will automatically look to where you expect to find these handy mirrored devices. And instead, you’ll come up with only air. I know. I learned to drive in Chicago. Instinctual habits of the dangerous kind still happen to me all the time.

So get oriented within the car before you drive away.

Then – do please remember to drive on the left hand side of the road. You may say to yourself as you read this from the comfort of your easy chair, “Well of course I realise the Irish drive on the left hand side and why would this moron remind me of such details?” But trust me. Such an about-face requires constant attention.

As an example: many years ago my father – who as it happens is an airline pilot (now retired) and prides himself on navigational aptitude – came here for a visit. He’d rented a car, just as you might, and was in the Captain’s seat as we sped down some sort of roadway in some forgotten part of the country. We’d stopped for petrol, climbed back into the car, and as he started the engine I gently reminded my ‘right stuff’ father, “Dad, remember – it’s the left.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he groused. Then put the car in gear and entered traffic, and as he did so was distracted by a woman pushing a baby’s pram across the street, and successfully made his left turn and I watched horrified as he completed the turn – into the right hand lane.

“Oh shit!” he hissed because when finally getting his bearings Dad happened to notice a large semi-trailer heading straight for us. Dad swerved into the verge, we came to stop in a cloud of dust, and I peeled my hands from the dash board realising we’d passed close enough to the oncoming juggernaut that I saw the scared-shitless scowl of the Irish driver who looked as if he might die.   

As I say, do not take driving on the left lightly. Not even if you’re a Formula One racing car driver.

Ignore Speed Signs – They Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

Down here in West Cork I suspect local County Council workers – those intrepid men and women responsible for local road signage – have a wicked sense of humour. For you see they seem determined to entice visiting drivers with road sign advice that may lure you into grave danger.

An example: speed signs. Now do first remember that signs dedicated to controlling speed are numerated in Kilometres per Hour. If you want to know what any given speed is in MPH use a very simple formula: multiply by .6. So 50 KPH = 30 MPH, 70 KPH = 42 MPH, 100 KPH = 60 MPH, and so on. You may want to conduct these calculations now and again as you pass speed signs simply to recognise how fast you truly are going.

But back to the local Cork County Council and their determination to play funny games.The roads around here are rather...ah...twisty. They’re also narrow. Many have potholes large enough to destroy toughened suspension systems. And it rains quite a bit. Which means you want to take it easy.  I tend to ignore the speed signs and instead pace my speed to match local conditions.

You’d want to ignore the speed signs too and for good reason – many are designed to maim or kill you. Now and again I’ll see a 100 KPH (60 MPH) speed sign which happens to be placed directly before a blind twist in the road. And the twist happens to be a hairpin turn. Should one actually drive at 100 KPH and attempt the hairpin, one will probably drive straight off a cliff and into the Atlantic.

Therefore please take my advice. Believe rural speed signs only at your peril.

Give Way and Move Over

As mentioned above, the roads in rural Ireland can be rather narrow. While they are called two-way streets it is a fact that it’s nigh and impossible to drive two cars side by side at the same time down many of these roads.

Here, you learn to look and anticipate. For instance: I’ll be driving down the coastal road from Eyeries to the small local harbour of Balycrovane. I’ll keep my eyes glued on the distant road ahead. Should I notice an oncoming car, I’ll search for the nearest place to pull over because both of us won’t fit and someone has to get out of the way. Usually it’s me and I don’t mind at all.

So be aware and if you see a car coming toward you exercise courtesy and caution. Because if you don’t....

Last summer a friend of mine was driving his erstwhile pickup truck along the same road I mention above. He looked up and saw a car coming toward him. As it happened there was no place for him to pull over but he saw there was a lay-by which said oncoming car could easily turn into. Which, of course, means my friend expected the driver of that vehicle to exercise this easy logic in courtesy. Which, of course, he didn’t.

The driver of the approaching vehicle, a German tourist as it turned out, kept on coming. My friend slowed down but was damned if he was going to stop. They met nose to nose, right in the middle of the road. The lay-by was just behind the German’s car and within easy reach. But the German decided not to go there. Instead he hit his horn.

My friend, smiling at the visitor who he saw was growing red with rage, put his truck in park. He turned off the ignition. He got out a newspaper, put his feet up, and started reading. The German marched up and accused my friend of various unprintable things stated in a vile stilted tongue, but the intent was clear enough.

My friend rolled up the window and kept on reading.

When enough time elapsed the German climbed back in his car, backed up the few metres, and pulled in. My friend drove around him and on his way. No one was hurt but German / Irish foreign relations were set back at least 20 years.

Stay Safe

When you’re visiting Ireland do please remember to stay safe. Take your time. Remember you’re in a foreign country and things are a bit different over here. Drive carefully.

Or as an option? Get someone to do the driving for you.

But however you do it, enjoy your time here and the wonderful beauty that is rural Ireland.

Picture supplied by John Eagle.John is an amazingly talented local photographer and painter. For more samples of John’s work go to: http://johneaglephoto.com

Don’t want to drive yourself? Then why not consider hiring a coach to do the work for you? Local fella Tommy Hartnett can help: http://homepage.eircom.net/~thoshart64/

A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Kindle Edition Now Available!

If this blog interests you and you want to learn more about Ireland why not consider purchasing A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Edition. Are you thinking about living and working in Ireland? Would you like to move to Ireland? Do you want to know how to get an Irish work visa in this country? Do you need to know how Brexit and Trump policies may affect your plans? If so, consider purchasing the 2017 edition of A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland by Tom Richards. Now almost 90,000 words long, this book could make the perfect gift for  those interested in this wonderful country. Over 14,000 people have now learned how to live, laugh, and drink like the Irish by reading this Kindle ebook. I hope you enjoy, and my very best - Tom

Writing in Paradise: Living on Ireland's Wild Atlantic Way

As of next month this Chicago-born Yank has lived in Ireland for 35 years. For much of that time I called County Meath – an hour’s drive north of Dublin – my home. Then I got sense. Seven years ago I moved to the small village of Eyeries, a stunning coastal location way down in southwest County Cork. 

Here I live in wild tranquillity which many call Heaven.  Irish marketing folks now call the coastal route upon which Eyeries is nestled the Wild Atlantic Way. Whatever it’s called, I hope you’ll take a moment to discover this little corner of the world for yourself.

2500 Kilometres of Beauty
Running from Malin Head way up in County Donegal all the way down to Kinsale in County Cork, the Wild Atlantic Way is a breathtaking Irish version of America’s Route 66. I’m not sure who came up with the idea to market this coastal journey but whoever did managed to get it spot on.

It’s a wild run where ever you choose to join it be that in Donegal, Mayo, Galway, Clare, Limerick, or even here in Eyeries.  Taking a car journey along the western coast of Ireland is one of the most exhilarating uses of vacation time you’ll ever experience. You’ll encounter small villages and larger cities; rugged mountains and immense cliffs; micro-climates containing forests and boggy glades. 

Around every corner along sometimes twisting narrow roads you’ll bump into new surprises: a sparrow hawk diving for its prey; seals basking on harbour rocks; a new pub with new food and new friends and traditional music.

It’s a huge drive, is this Wild Way – the longest of its type in Europe. I’ve not done all of it so instead I’ll limit the rest of my thoughts to one of Ireland’s glorious secrets: The Beara Peninsula.

Stunning Scenery and Almighty Craic

Not many have heard of Beara. Certainly not me, not before I came for a visit over 10 years ago. Indeed, many of my Irish friends curiously scratch their heads when I mention the location of my new home. “The Beara Peninsula?” they’ll ask perplexed. “Where in God’s good name is that?”

I’ll tell them it’s a secret because those living way down here want to keep it that way.

Unlike the Ring of Kerry or Dingle where roads are choked during busy summer months by global tourists anxious to experience ‘real Ireland’ (whatever that is), Beara continues to sparkle like an isolated jewel. The Slieve Miskish and Caha Mountains form a rugged spine which runs right down the Peninsula, all the way from Glengarriff (a lovely coastal town for years called home by actress Maureen O’Hara) to Allihies, the location of ancient copper mines. (When the mine was worked out almost a hundred years ago, the out-of-work locals packed their bags and immigrated en masse to Butte, Montana. There they pulled enough copper out of the ground to keep America going for a good few years).

The Peninsula being a Peninsula, it is framed by water: on one side Bantry Bay gives shelter to dolphins and seals. Because it is one of the deepest bays around, back in World War I the British hid their entire Atlantic fleet in this isolated location from German U-boats prowling along the coast. If you’re travelling down that side of the Peninsula, start in Bantry – truly a gateway to Heaven. Treat yourself to this wonderful market town, then climb in the car and start your adventure. Drive through Glengarriff, stopping to take the local boat out to lovely Garinish Island and its unique tropical plants growing in stunning gardens.  Once through the town, turn left down coastal R572 and open your senses to real pleasures: trawlers steaming up the Bay to market with a belly full of fish, the smell of salt spray tossed up by raging waves, and the call of gulls as they sail overhead.

Stop in Castletownbere, one of Ireland’s largest deepwater white fish ports, for a spot of tea and some fresh fish n chips. Then take a right on the R571 and discover one of the prettiest Irish villages in the country: Eyeries.

Heaven-by-the-Sea
I’m biased, of course, but Eyeries truly is one of the loveliest villages in all the country. Multi-coloured terraced houses grow along its single main street overlooking Coulagh Bay, the body of water which frames Beara’s north side. Here, you’ll be treated as if you’ve relatives here, made as welcome as if the place was your home.

Take a walk along the Beara Way, a loop of quiet solitude which allows you to march along the rugged coastline. Watch out for seals and delight at Cormorants plunging for a morning meal. If you’re lucky you’ll see families of otters paddling in quiet pools, or dolphins hunting schools of mackerel trapped by the incoming tide.

If you’ve a mind, drive down the road a mile or so to Ballycrovane Harbour. There, you can visit the tallest Ogham Stone in Western Europe (it’s thousands of years old and scored with deep lines which are some of humanity’s first hard scratching toward a written language). Then travel further on to Kilcatherine and stop at the Hag of Beara. It may appear to be only a large boulder, but squint your eyes and you’ll see the figure of Brigid, ancient goddess of fertility, frozen there for all time. There’s a wonderful Irish legend to go with the visit, one of fun and misadventure, but I’ll leave the tale for another time.

If you bring along a fishing rod, drive all the way to the end of Kilcatherine point and try your luck for pollack, sea bass, and mackerel in the wild coastal waters. If you’re staying at a local B&B, the proprietor just might make a meal of your catch for you.

Back in the village visit one of our two pubs for a welcome pint and a chat with the locals. Perhaps have a memorable meal at the Bistro then take a walk to the local Strand and contemplate the beauty of such remoteness. Or if you want even more solitude climb back in the car and head across the Peninsula to Dzogchen Beara. Here at this Buddhist retreat, take real time-out with an hour’s meditation in silent rooms overlooking the Atlantic.

Eyeries may seem quiet to you – and it is. Only 60 or so people call the village home. But come here during the third week of July and watch the population swell as over 3,000 visitors join us for the Eyeries Family Summer Festival.  The craíc is mighty as musicians, traders, and vast armies of culinary experts fill the single street.

A Writer’s Paradise
Though I’ve lived in Eyeries for almost seven years now, I still have to pinch myself thinking that perhaps my journey here is still all a dream. Within the peace called Eyeries my senses are filled with a joy of living I’ve found nowhere else. Here, in this tranquil village by the sea, I let my imagination soar with the beauty of the summer months and the chaos that are winter gales along the coast. 

Here I can close my eyes and imagine myself a gull drifting upon the sudden updrafts or a dolphin slicing through rough water or a basking shark hunting plankton on the rising tide. Then I am a pirate smuggler, looking for a hidden cove in which to hide golden booty or an ancient Viking making landfall for the first time on this rugged edge of the world.  Here, I can become anyone or anything at all, and I can do so because Eyeries contains what we can rarely find in this bustling world: the peace of mind which comes from a bit of tranquil magic.

Here, like nowhere else, I can work. I can play. I can appreciate a joy of living simply by watching the sun setting across the sparkling Bay. You can too.

And truly, I hope you do.

For more information on the Wild Atlantic Way visit their website.   And to learn more about Eyeries, go to www.eyeries.ie.  Slan abhaile.

A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Kindle Edition Now Available!

If this blog interests you and you want to learn more about Ireland why not consider purchasing A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland 2017 Edition. Are you thinking about living and working in Ireland? Would you like to move to Ireland? Do you want to know how to get an Irish work visa in this country? Do you need to know how Brexit and Trump policies may affect your plans? If so, consider purchasing the 2017 edition of A Survivor's Guide to Living in Ireland by Tom Richards. Now almost 90,000 words long, this book could make the perfect gift for  those interested in this wonderful country. Over 14,000 people have now learned how to live, laugh, and drink like the Irish by reading this Kindle ebook. I hope you enjoy, and my very best - Tom